It's Only a Pyramid

Foul and dry. Dust and dread. It's only a pyramid.
It's only life as god or subject.
Wind and poison. For the truth...for the king.
I am no king, I have no truth,
and I am not a builder.

I am not a man living in a time.
What I am is not.

Let the rain come, let the slag run off the roofs,
into the streets - onto the everydays, the usuals.

For each dream whisping up into the hot night,
another midnight thought, awake, descends.

Caution - Zombies!

If this isn't the coolest prank ever...

I Met Someone

Yep, it's true.  This old hermit has stumbled upon an amazing, talented, and beautiful woman who actually likes him!  I know!  Seriously, I am not lying.  I keep having to convince myself this is really happening...kinda like a vivid dream where when you wake up you cower in bed under the covers, mortified, thinking that the horrible things you did in that dream in fact did happen.

My arm is bruised from pinching myself so often.  I am still drinking it all in and I am trying my best not to suspect this is all an enormous cosmic joke for being this lucky to have met her.

14 Hands Cabernet - WOW

I was at Dolce Vita in Little Italy in Cleveland, OH the other day.  First of all, the atmosphere and the service there were first rate.  I'd go back there in a heartbeat.  I had the 4-cheese ravioli in a special alfredo sauce...mmmm.

Anyway, on to the wine (the point of this post.)  I ordered a glass of '06 Sonoma County Cabernet Sauvignon made by Clos du Bois.  It's from the Jerry Garcia collection.  So, I had my heart set on this, and I was disappointed thusly when our server told us there was none to be found.  However, they had a replacement called 14 Hands Cabernet.  I shrugged, crinkled up my eyebrows and said 'sure, let's have a glass of that.'  Very literary response, indeed.

She brings out the nice crystal glass filled with the 14 Hands and I say thank you, etc., etc.  It smelled amazing, and the first thing I thought of when I took a sip after allowing the aromas to fully penetrate my brain, 'this wine is awesome!'  Surely you can tell I am no wine critic or possessor of an enlightened nose, but I know awesome wine.  Also, it was served at what for me is the perfect temperature.  I have been drinking a good variety of reds lately, and this one truly stood out the instant the first sip swirled around in my mouth.

Go and buy this wine!  It went nicely with the heavy cheese and alfredo ravioli I ate, and I would drink this wine with just about anything honestly; it was just that good.

Reports Omit Details About the Recent Israeli Bombing of Gaza

Hamas fired many rockets and mortars into Israel over the last couple of weeks.  Israel then sent warplanes into Gaza and bombed over 30 separate targets and killed 192 people (as of today's reports) and wounded almost 300.  Hamas is threatening revenge and Israel is threatening more attacks.

Both of the articles below lay out these facts in a similar fashion, yet they do not include a critical detail...that Israel, up until the 26th, had completely blockaded Gaza for the past 10 days.  Completely.  Almost 1/2 of Palestinians in the Gaza strip rely on foreign aid to survive (food, fuel, & humanitarian aid.)  This quote from an earlier Reuters article brings to the front one of core reasons for rocket fire and Hamas violence overall:

Gaza, a largely impoverished coastal enclave, has been under a heightened Israeli blockade since Hamas seized control of the territory from Western-backed Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas's Fatah movement in 2007.

Articles about the Israeli bombing runs inside Gaza - Reuters and AP respectively

http://www.reuters.com/article/topNews/idUSLR1342320081227?feedType=RSS&feedName=topNews&sp=true

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081227/ap_on_re_mi_ea/ml_israel_palestinians

Part 1 - The Great New England Road Trip

Just a quick post now because I need to take some time to sort through and process all the digital pics and videos I took on the road. Overall, the trip was amazing and I feel refreshed physically and mentally. Even though I planned this trip almost 2 months ago, it turns out that it couldn't have come at a better time...and not even a single day too soon.

Short List of the Good:
Bowery Poetry Club - Greenwich village, New York
The Cuban Revolution - Providence, Rhode Island
Petey's Summertime Seafood & Bar - Rye, New Hampshire

Short List of the Not-so-Good:
The Philly traffic - Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
High Gas Prices - Everywhere

Well those are short lists as promised. Cheers until next time.

It Just Gets Worse...

OR - How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Embrace the Emptiness

So - had a decent weekend, wasn't feeling like killing myself every hour upon the hour. I called my psych last week because I was feeling REALLY bad and was having trouble doing anything at work besides thinking about ways to die. I called and called and called, and I finally got a hold of someone, and my doc got a hold of me, and I got set up with this group therapy thing that was supposed to start today.

Well I am not a fan of groups, but I need to do something, and I am not sure I am ready to jump back into the hospital for a week, especially since I am leaving for my road trip on Friday. Anyway, I leave work, cruise down to the health and wellness center about 40 minutes away, and park. This building is huge, and there are so many hallways, with so many numbers on so many doors, and very few signs identifying one from the other. After wandering about 5 minutes I found the behavioral health office.

I go in, do all the standard paperwork, etc., and I sit down in this comfy chair to wait. This is my first night so I need to get some talky-time with the main person there, and then I figure the group counseling will start; though I don't know for sure. As I was sitting there, I started counting all the ways that I could kill myself in that waiting room before they came out to get me:

Definitely Would Work

1. Break the coffee pot and use the glass to cut my wrists/throat, etc.

Might Work

1. Take out a light bulb from a hanging fixture, lick my thumb, and stick it up into the socket
2. Turn over the water cooler container and empty it into the trashcan, then stick my head in
3. Yank the cord out of the lamp, tie it up, and hang myself on my knees with the cord attached to a door handle

I figure 4 ways isn't that bad for a waiting room in a behavioral health clinic. I don't even get in there though because after completing my paperwork and waiting for a while, I start to get cold feet. Another patient went in before me so I knew I would have to wait. I set a time and thought, if she doesn't come out and get me by X:XX then I will walk out. So that's what I did...I even gave her a couple of extra minutes when I was feeling unsure about my decision. It's not her fault really. So I went and grabbed some dinner at Boston Market - Barbecue chicken sandwich and a side of mac & cheese...great comfort food.

Basically what I am getting at is that I am still in fucking despair. I want to be excited about my trip, and my life, and all the good things in it...but it's just so exhausting. I don't know if I'll ever get through this cycle but for now I will keep trying. It's getting old though.

Medicine updates - more Lamictal and Prozac

So I had a productive appt. with my Psychiatrist on Friday the 12th. We bumped my Lamictal dose from 300mg/day to 375mg/day, and we bumped the Prozac dose from 60mg/day to 80mg/day. There was a student with her in the session who was shadowing her and getting experience with real patients. She asked me if that was cool and I said yes, but I would be lying if I said that I felt 100% comfortable with it - I caught myself pausing before saying things because a few things I was embarassed to say around someone new.

I am having a rough month and I am in the middle of a strong period of pure depression. Normally I go through a prolonged heavy depression starting in October, give or take a week...so lucky me, I am starting early this year. Since I am single now it's a bit harder to keep things in perspective without my girlfriend to be that soothing, reassuring, and realistic voice.

I have a 10-day road trip planned in October and I am really hoping that I don't feel so bad that I don't want to go anymore. I have 6 nights at different places booked already, so I'd be throwing away some serious cash if I don't go. Two years ago I tried a similar, but less-planned, road trip and I only got 300 miles away and after one night I turned back. Although, I usually find that road trips are a good way to just clear out the mind and leave all the regular stresses and routines behind for a while. I am looking forward to it both for that reason, and because it's 10-straight days off.

I have also been having a lot of headaches lately and though I am getting at least 7 hours of sleep a night, I am still very very tired in the morning and it's difficult to get out of bed. On the weekends I usually sleep about 75% of the entire time. Oh well.