I Hate Myself

Here we are, it's 2007. It was supposed to be the year of prosperity, hope, and accomplishments. So, why then, do I feel like a fucking idiot that has failed already? Oh yeah, I hate myself, just so you know. Most people thankfully do not experience this particular thing.

Self-loathing is interesting in that it can be a passing emotion, or a life-long condition. Because I have the whole manic depression thing going on, my levels of self hate fluctuate...but it's always there. Currently my hate meter is maxing out. It's topped out, it's in the danger zone, it's glowing an angry red and threatening to explode.

I questioned even bringing this whole topic up and writing about it. For some reason I felt strangely compelled to get my thoughts on this virtual paper. Maybe it's a way to do a controlled release--kind of like a bleeder valve on a pressurized line--whereby I let a little of this emotion out, but not all of it. To just let it fly without any restraint would probably be bad. BAD.

I could probably explain some of the reasons for this latest situation. Then again, that would be like describing only half of the problem, because I never can fully understand why my moods and emotions strike me when they do, or why they do. And also I don't really feel like going into all of those things right now, anyway. Just wanted to get some of this crap out.

And with that, I will close with a quote from the great movie SLEUTH with Michael Caine, and Laurence Olivier.

"You're a young man, in a clown suit, who's about to be murdered!"